As the nose on your face

Circa 1990

By now you may have noticed the impact of the latest secret government department, the Ministry of the Bleeding Obvious.

Not that you’d know it was them, they’re not that bleeding obvious. They’re more into your subtle obviousness, the sly hint with the pickaxe handle between the eyes, know what I mean?
And they’re everywhere. I spotted a right one the other day at the beach bending over a kid howling with pain after being stung by a blue bottle. Dreadful it was, all lacerations. This geezer couldn’t have been more subtle.
“Does it hurt?” he asked.
The sheer bleeding obviousness of it stopped the kid in his tracks. He couldn’t believe what he’d heard. Mind you, it worked. The kıd may still have been suffering the agonies of hell but he wasn’t making such a racket about it.

Then there was the heat wave, remember? I’m staggering home with the shopping, lugging two huge plastic bags with enough food for an army. Sweat’s pouring down. I’m just about to start up the stairs to the flat when she comes bouncing down in cool tennis gear. She zaps me a brilliant smile.
“Hot, isn’t it?” she said.
I staggered and nearly went down under the devastating obviousness of it. I couldn’t get an answer out before she’d tripped down the stairs. You have to be quick, they strike as fast as a Sydney train driver.
And you can’t pick ’em. I twigged a mate of mine was recruited on the same hot sticky Saturday. After depositing the shopping, I got down the pub to pick up some anti-heatwave tonic. He was standing by the bar in shorts and thongs, with a beer. I entered, still flustered from my encounter of the obvious kind with Ms Tennis Skirt.

Without warning he lets me have it. “Fancy a drink?”

What can you do? Talk about the tyranny of the bleeding obvious.

They don’t just run these guerilla campaigns, picking off individuals. They’re organised like any bureaucracy, with major campaigns. You’ll have seen their health warnings. They put out stuff like, Eating and drinking to excess will increase your body weight. Or, Smoking is bad for your health.

One of the best is the description of the result of marijuana use. They call it motivational syndrome. It means the person is spaced out and has difficulty with motivation. Which, come to think about it, is bleeding obvious.

Politicians, of course, are the top secret agents. They’re brought out for real overkill statements.

There may be pockets of corruption in the police force. That’s a good one, or how about: There’s always the possibility we may have to bring in some new form of taxation.

They do it so barefaced, with never a hint of a humanising smile as if they were telling you something that wasn’t so obvious.
Their secret is pretending they’re giving real information. They hide under cover of the information explosion, which is making more and more people know less and less about more and more things they could care less about.

It gets really serious on TV. Television talking heads are the experts, specially sport commentators. They may be full-time department employees.

He’s down, he’s bleeding from the head, he looks to be unconscious. I think he’s hurt.

If he can increase his lead in this last lap I think he’ll win.

McEnroe might have some difficulty controlling his temper.

This kind of insightful commentary will have you slumped before the set without a single thought in your head. You just can’t compete with the mindless obviousness of the professionals.

So why has this top-secret government department been formed? It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s a way of getting us to concentrate on everything that doesn’t matter. I mean, if anything is that obvious, it can’t be that important. They get us so mesmerised by the obvious that we stop asking real, important questions, such as, ‘Where are you taking that safe?‘ Or ‘Didn’t you promise to take out the garbage?’ Or ‘Do you know you’ve beautiful eyes?’

You know, the really bleeding, obvious, stuff.

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